I don’t exactly know what to say because I still don’t really know what happened to me. The medical profession call it ‘a major depressive episode’ but I’ve been knocked sideways by a multitude of feelings, not just depression but agitation, anxiety, terror, panic, grief, desperation, despair and an almost irresistible desire to be dead and it’s gone on for a very long time. Every day for six solid months I’ve had to try really hard to stay alive. I’ve literally got through each day hour by hour, trying to hang on until the sun set and it was time to close the shutters on the windows and then I’d feel, Okay I’ve survived another day. It was such a horrible winter and it felt like it went on forever, but when the clocks went forward I felt even worse because then there was an extra hour of daylight to last through. I know I’ll be criticised for saying all this, I know it sounds horribly selfish, when life is such a precious gift and many people desperately want to be alive and are denied it, but honestly, I’ve had no control over it.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
I have been worrying about Marian Keyes for months. Late last year, her husband sent her mailing list an email to let us know that she was suffering from terrible depression and was therefore unable to write her monthly newsletter. We heard from her briefly after that, and then - nothing. My heart went out to her. I have been waiting, and waiting - and finally, she's back. I'm so proud of her for coming through that darkness. Read all about it here. An excerpt: